I am a classical composer of music; by adding 'of music', though, is perhaps unnecessary, for what else do classical composers do other than compose music? However, it is necessary to clarify this in my case, because many people do not class what I compose as music at all. Some call it utter rubbish, being, to their unacclimatised ears, a noise or racket of alarming ugliness. Yet … I still compose it. I sit in a serious stance with my old-fashioned nib poised over the staves, believing every note I write is a mark of genius.
Concerto for Ping Pong ball and Orchestra. Black Elegy for flute and zither. Wild Onions, a chamber opera for water sounds and Welsh harps. These are just a few of my works, as you know. There are many more as yet unplayed, unperformed, unheard. Most reside in my head, giving off their own vibrations to the skull. I am serious about my music having a deeply aesthetic value as art. And I am proud to report that a few unlucky souls turn up at my concerts and pretend to enjoy the sounds they open their ears to.
Brenda was one of those. She did enjoy it, I'm sure; either that or her overtures to me as the composer were completely false. If she did not wallow in my music like a whale enjoying a bath in its own blubber, then she was a good actress at pretending to do so. She even bought the CDs! Brenda couldn’t help being fat.
It was she who suggested the flat iron.
Now, I ought to make it clear. I was never completely in love with Brenda. There was something quaintly homely about the tender caresses she often gave me. She was a touchy feely person. One day, I would reciprocate, I vowed. But it was always put off until tomorrow. It wasn’t because she was fat.
She had been married in the past to someone she called Alfred. Apparently, he was fan of pop music and endlessly played the Everley Brothers in the bath. They had not really got on. That was a pity, I'm sure, because Brenda was a fine housewife, one who cherished the dusting and the washing and the ironing. She had a thing about ironing, even in the age of drip dry and non-iron shirts.
The thing about the flat iron happened during the interval of the biggest success I'd ever had with my music. A concert which was more than half full in Huddersfield, and only ten people got up and left during the performance. One even shouted ENCORE at the end. I was sitting with Brenda at the back, watching the heads move in time to the music. Wild shakings and noddings that had no rhyme or reason. Even their clapping was ragged and ill-coordinated. Yet, most of them stayed the course. And the reviews were singular in their acclaim. Reading between the lines.
Throughout the first half of the concert, Brenda had rested her plump hand in my lap, where I let it stay. I often unplumped her hand from its berth upon my body, but tonight I was thrilled by the reception of my music. Tonight, I even felt warmth towards those to whom I owed warmth (like Brenda), as I had often given undeserved warmth to those who had ridiculed my music. It is often difficult to explain such skewed emotions. I suppose my music described my emotions best. Tonight I tried to be more human, and let my words and face express my inner feelings, instead of my music.
So, I smiled at Brenda, encouraging her to speak. We very rarely had real conversations, especially at my concerts. Silence seemed to be the best option; indeed, some of my pieces incorporated that very silence into the fabric of the sound world I was trying to recreate through the scoring for various instruments. Instruments both conventional and outlandish. One whole movement of my Siren Suite depended solely on the ambience of the audience and concert hall. Each cough was an audience-inspired moment. Even farting.
Still, the intervals allowed more scope for non-art communication. We could shift away from the pretentious modes of stony-faced listening and become less self-conscious and less stylised.
"Have you thought about using a flat iron?" she asked.
"For what?" I was half-listening to her, whilst trying to catch the eye of one of my faithful sponsors. A sponsor who was deaf, but seemed to enjoy patronising penniless composers like me. I wanted some more backing. But my heart melted. I was in a good mood. I had actually replied to Brenda's question, albeit with another question. I may have said it or I may have thought I said it, viz:
"As a percussion instrument?"
I smiled again. Two smiles in one evening were unheard of, but I instinctively had pricked up my ears at the suggestion of a flat iron. I actually tried to extend the audit trail of the conversation, much as a viola often does in conventional String Quartets.
"You mean hitting it with a metal hammer?" I could actually hear the chunky clink inside the bone basin that served as a container for my brain. All composers, I guess, have these strange ideas and words for feelings they feel about their own body. Only ordinary people think of the head merely as a head. There's something special about artists in all walks of art, or they wouldn't be artists at all. Even one's limbs became ownerless appendages, given the all-consuming force of art that takes over the mind as well as the body. Still, Brenda was a simple soul. I never really troubled her with these preoccupations. She had enough to cope with, being so fat.
"Do you know what a flat iron really is?" she asked, with a mischievous look about her. I stopped staring at a woman in a low-slung ball gown (you didn't often get those at avant garde concerts) who was tackling a huge cocktail at the Interval bar. I could see what Brenda must be driving at. It was quite an arresting thought, and the thought drove out all my wayward desires. A flat iron kept the heat after being left among the red hot coals, kept the heat whilst you ironed the clothes. It didn't run off electricity. It was an old fashioned way of storing heat. And, so, if it could store heat … the logical continuation of the thought need not be made. Music was just like heat, wasn't it, a storeable force. So an acoustic musical instrument that could store the music played on it during live music was a brilliant conception. And I owed it all the Brenda. I gave her a peck on the cheek.
We would have made love that night, had the second half of the concert gone to plan or even just followed the example of the first half. But there were several illnesses that beset the audience during the abrasive coughing movement of my Aubergine Dreams for French Horn and Prepared Piano. The after-shocks and echoes that had been pent up all evening in the sound-box of the hall's rafters suddenly erupted with full force and rained down plaster (some claimed it was asbestos) upon the audience, Brenda and myself included.
We left on good terms, though. She scowled at the state of my shirt's detachable collar and I could sense she imagined the terrible creases of its tail. She made it plain that she thought I needed a good woman to look after me. But love is often tantalisingly unattainable -- although my dreams, later that night, homed in on the woman in the ballgown at the bar. Brenda's flat iron was entirely forgotten for a long sleep of complete bliss as I dreamed of better leaner fish in better deeper seas. Brenda was only indeed one such dream that sometimes escaped to the outside of dream.......
I was rudely woken in the morning by car klaxons betokening a new day, new accidents, new encounters, new sound systems and dustcarts clanging as they collected the world's rubbish. I washed and shaved in a daze, and then I pulled on my wrinkles, without even a single thought for the deflated body thus wrapped up. Irons have sharps, as well as flats. (unpublished)
Posted by weirdtongue
at 3:44 PM EST
