( published 'Agog' 1988 )
Nial Hopper loved just being alive. However, if he but realised the nature of the tenuous existence he underwent, as a character in a story by DFL, he would have cherished this precious consciousness, this shallow-seated awareness even more than he normally did. But believe it or not, he thought he was an ordinary human being, albeit one more famous than most from his several appearances on a thing called television; but if you opened up his arteries, then blood of the deepest, darkest red would flow as freely as does water from the spout of my can on to the richest, strangest orchids of my imaginary garden.
* *
Nial: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you, without fear or favour, to yet another edition of the favourite TV show of the century. And, as you watch, remember our one dictum, the incontrovertible truth: ONCE CEASE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, THEN YOU'RE LOST TO THE NOTHINGNESS THAT LURKS AT YOUR EVERY CORNER. We have a caller: We have our first caller of the night: Who have we at the other end of the line seeing fit call the Nial Hopper Show?
DFL: Who do you think you are!?
Nial: (eyes shifting from side to side) Can I have your name sir?
DFL: Never you mind, I've got your measure Hopper, and don't give me any lip?
Nial: (motioning to the studio staff to cut me off) We evidently have someone who thinks he can beat me at my own game - but he's been cut short (laughing knowingly into the camera) I fear, by the peccadilloes of the telephone - no doubt wrapped up in flex like an electronic mummy. Next caller, please.
DFL: I'm still here, Hoppo. There's no pair of scissors in the world that can snip my line through to you .
Nial: (now aghast and signalling violently like he'd seen floor staff do before) Keep your head on sir, this is a family show with good living its by-word. I fear for the language you're about to break into?
DFL: Don't you worry Hoppo, once you've got rid of me, you'll be without your better half. It's your language I fear will take us off the air - words spoken with too much ease and puckishness can sound naughtier than most.
Nial: (finding himself perhaps for the last time) If you;re who I think you are, then please. dear sir, stareinto the mirror and question whether it can be right?
DFL: (interrupting and getting a stage direction for the first time) I challenge the world to turn off this rubbish - nothing can be done for him people, as Nial so-called Hopper is an alien from the back bowels of God?
* *
The mirror reflected nothing. I replaced the hand-set in its cradle. I'd given him enough air time, enough of his own medicine and my ear was still ringing with the sound of millions listening. I took the scissors and jabbed them into my wrists, one by one and watched the brave new freedom of the bloods. I had had enough of believing that I could muster myself beyond the margins of those who were larger than life.
God: What a pillock! He'll be good for no more then manure. (God turns on a video for a re-run of Genesis to watch His favourite bit in the Garden of Eden.)
