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DF Lewis
Saturday, 12 July 2008
Separation

(published ‘Dementia 13’ 1991)
The sea-front hotel, white smooth turrets, bosomy bay windows, a facade boned clean by the salt in the air, centred in upon its revolving entrance, where an ex-army man in razor-sharp tunic trousers and brimmed cap, saluted all those who came and went. That seemed to be his only job... saluting.

The pier stretched its limb into the sea, not far away down the prom. Even here, outside the hotel, you could discern the shrieks of the dodgems, the clunkc1ick of the amusements, the ratcheting of the big wheel betokening broken necks, or maybe, at best, broken hearts.

Within the hotel, the residents sat at seperate tables in the dining-room. These rich widows, done up in the finery accumulated from centuries of haberdashers (including the one round the corner that catered for ‘elegant ladies’), are a dying breed.

The monied classes are not quite what they used to be.

In any event, the hotel manager is currently considering turning their rooms into a business conference suite.

He does not actually gnaw his knees in concern at their eventual petering out as hotel residents.

* * * *

The widow lady sat bolt upright in her bed. The night had long been in place. The residual noises from the pier fed only ghosts into her system...

She thought Horror was coming in at her from the eight corners of the room. These were memories of he who had first caused her widowhood.

The first was the husband she remembered from the well-thumbed photo album…and moped over. The next was the troublous husband who had aches, pains and a weak nature. Each memory vision grew worse...weak bladder, cancer of the bowel, brain lost (flushed accidently down that loo she recalled so well.) The last vision was a ghost-train monster, actually more supremely horrific by virtue of being the husband she thought she had loved with all her heart.

It ate her soul up as if it were candy floss.

****

Some morning, the hotel manager smiled at the widows crawling out of their beds towards a civilised breakfast for which they had no appetite. He knew that yet another denizen of a separate table had snuffed it. Soon, his conscience would not need to be pricked at all.


Posted by weirdtongue at 10:42 AM EDT
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Sunday, 22 June 2008
ODALISQUE by PF Jeffery (Chapter 3)

Before the next chapter. Here's a bonus treat for you all. An example of the author's handwriting:
http://newdfl.bloghorn.com/212
(And not being a fading gooseberry, here's mine: http://newdfl.bloghorn.com/213)

Chapter 3 - Unease

A nice snippet (Lord Bustain again):

At this tense moment, Lord Bustain joined us. Approaching the table, his hand was down the front of his breeches – scratching, or I hoped that he was merely scratching. He took the chair next to Jenna’s – she shifted her seat in the opposite direction. Lord Bustain sniffed the fingers that had lately been in his breeches.



Two nifty footnotes:

Nazemen – an hirsute race originating in northern Essex. Now thought to have been fully human – if exceptionally ugly – at this time they were regarded as one of the species of semi-human tom-men.
Nazepork – the flesh of nazemen, served as meat. So called because of its similarity to pork.



Another tasty titbit:

It was at the Old Gate this morning. One guard skewered, another slit open from throat to willie. A third ’un missing – but that ain’t the most o’ it.” He seemed to be enjoying the grisly story.

No typos this time! damn!

As well as its grotesque and the sex-spiritual, I love this novel's sense of geographical place:

Jenna nodded from time to time as the cartographer’s finger traced a line across the map – through the Meadowlands, Mankash, Lankash and to the city of Leeds in distant Yocker.

Finally, a fuller example of the tangible fictions now made even meatier by this rewrite, a lovely section for you to read (although I'm not sure, without checking, whether this section has in fact changed much from 'Of Bondlings & Blesh'):

“Indeed, I think that you will very likely transfer to the black line. It is a wonderful device known as a rail way. Mighty steam engines are mounted upon iron bogies, and draw padded carriages, their wheels guided by metal rails.”

“Nonsense!” Sir Thomas snorted.

“Why is it nonsense, Sir Thomas?” I asked – finding the idea of a rail way exciting, in so far as I understood it.

“It is quite impossible for a steam engine to draw wheeled vehicles, Princess Margaret, and that is all there is to it.”

“But my father has boats powered by steam engines. If a boat, why not a wheeled vehicle?”

“I am afraid that Michaelson’s third law of motion is against you. Less power is required to move a body through an aqueous environment than over a dry one. Hence the ratio of weight to power in an engine allows it to move a body through water, but would be insufficient to move a vehicle over land. On firm ground, only the gods may fashion machines with sufficient power to move – that is to say persons, slaves and other beasts.”

With a sudden inspiration, I asked: “Have you heard of a flicker machine?”

“Yes, Princess Margaret, I know the device: it projects a shadow play onto the wall. Flicker rolls are turned by a small steam engine, the furnace also provides the light. Sometimes the shadows look like dancing people or beasts – more often they don’t. What of it?”

“Suppose a flicker machine was laid on its side. The steam engine would turn the flicker roll and it would act as a wheel. The thing would move like a miniature steam carriage.”

“Unfortunately not. The device is no more than a toy. More importantly, it simply would not work. It has enough power to move the flicker roll, which is light – but not to move its own weight.”

He took a memorandum book from his pocket and scribbled down some equations about power to weight ratios, velocity and inertia. None of it meant much to me – Miss Lace’s schoolroom strap had left me with few ideas on mathematics, apart from the fact of its being a branch of knowledge that stung my bottom. My attention turned from Sir Thomas’ voice to the song birds. It was far too nice a day to listen to my father’s pedants.

Although unable to argue with an Engineer in Ordinary, I hoped that he was wrong. It would be thrilling to ride in a carriage drawn by a giant flicker machine on its side. Clement Allan believed in the rail way. Who was to say that a cartographer’s opinion counted for less than an engineer’s?

The room smelt musty, with a faint suggestion that one of us might have farted. A shaft of light picked out dust motes circling lazily, the map spread upon the table was dappled with sunshine and shade. From beyond the window, the sound of birds rose to a crescendo – perhaps they were mobbing a hawk. Standing in the more shadowed part of the room, I felt a little chilly, and thought that it would’ve been a good idea to have slipped a cardigan over my sleeveless dress


That finishes the chapter in fine style. If you require to read more (even the whole finished novel) please ask for word attachments of each chapter as and when you read them.
 

 

 

CHAPTER COMMENT LINKS: http://weirdmonger.blogspot.com/2008/06/odalisque.html


Posted by weirdtongue at 8:23 AM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 22 June 2008 9:47 AM EDT
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Sunday, 1 June 2008
Tree Panning

Published 'Geek Love' 1996

 

“Intimacy, sheer intimacy!” said the man who lived in the wood next door.

 

Most of the same wood was later to provide the planks for the fence that divided my wood from his. But that was later, much later, after the story had been told. He had a wife, one who habitually wore large hats, some in the shape of things that were not hats, others somehow more like hats than proper hats – and her name was Mrs Worrals.

 

Mrs Worrals gave the lie to her husband’s momentous non-sequitur. She stripped herself near naked and often offered every single part of her body bar one for my exploration. Later, I built the fence.


Posted by weirdtongue at 6:49 AM EDT
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Monday, 12 May 2008
The Middle Day
First published 'Twelfth Issue' 1992

If I could explain what happened to me that day, I wouldn’t be here now with so much time on my hands to scribble this out. If, indeed, I could explain the DAY itself, nestling as it seemed between Monday and Tuesday, I’d be a normal man - or a MORE normal man, able to return to his 9 to 5 office job, perhaps only to scribble out even greater nonsense than this I scribble now.

I was in North London for a business meeting, one of the few that I’m now asked to attend (whilst a few years ago there were many more, all over England - but for some reason, there’s not so much call these days for me to make visits outside the office). Being early (as was my wont) and not knowing the area at all well, I decided to rest my weary bones in Highgate Wood quite close to the venue of the meeting.

This wood turned out to be a delightful green oasis of towering trees and twittering birds in the midst of relentless roads and gaping undergrounds. As I settled down upon a bench , I could still hear the traffic on Muswell Hill Road; it was like some outraged (or outrageous) God muttering at my escape from his jurisdiction.

The day was Monday. I’m SURE the day was Monday ... except, an hour later after I had emerged from the secret garden (for that is how my mind had idealised this retreat) and had arrived precisely on time for the meeting (as I always prided myself on doing), I was informed by an officious receptionist that I had missed the meeting by one whole day!



Once upon a time, there was a wood in the middle of a city which, for a specific day each year, had a sabbatical from time.

It was necessary for it to have this Awayday, since life in the city was otherwise unbearable. Therefore, God allowed it an annual oasis of non-existence, where not even trees nor birds could disturb it, let alone His own self-confessed grumbling attentions to its natual processes.

Unlike death, which is probably the longest holiday of all, this day-break into nothingness could spruce up the trees and woodland paths, harmonise the birdsong and remove the litter which the local council had missed.

Death, on the other hand, being the mother and father of a day off, serves very little purpose in itself. It only encourages those who believe in reincarnation to come out of the woodshed and prance about naked.



Which is why, I suppose, they put me away here. It wasn’t because I was 24 hours late for the meeting, nor even for my shouts of “Blessed Be The Traffic And Its Wardens” - but the fact that I didn’t have a stitch on ... even my wristwatch had disappeared (and my nails!).

I hope they bring me some more paper later, since I haven’t really finished. Enough room, after this, to scribble a date for future reference, in case I get confused about days again. (All I can do is look forward to a sabbatical from madness, I suppose.)

Posted by weirdtongue at 6:02 AM EDT
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Delicious
Delicious is not like abstemious or facetious. Abstemious and facetious have all the vowels contained within them—in the right order. Delicious lacks an a.
I read the slip of paper I'd pulled from the tin. Delicious, it said—and I wondered how delicious actually meant what it did mean. I'm sure it's some lingo thing, but I'm not half clever enough for that. Suddenly, I thought of the word suddenly; suddenly doesn't sound like suddenly, does it? Abruptly had more kick, more of a get up and go. Suddenly is sibilant and slow-moving like a sinuous snake.
Once, when in the West Indies, I tasted a snake. It was a delicacy there, a delightful delicacy. Its dead-eyes stared at me from either side of its head, as it lay coiled on my plate.
"It's delicious, try it and see," said my host. We had been drinking a lot. Well, none of my friends were particularly abstemious, and he was no exception.
I took my knife and cut into the snake's rind, finding it remarkably rubbery whilst with the feel of sawing cardboard. The fleshy innards oozed a green substance.
"It looks scrumptious," I said facetiously.
Suddenly, it leapt off the plate and bit me.
"Delicious," it hissed.


published: Blood Roses 2001


Posted by weirdtongue at 5:59 AM EDT
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Weirdities
First Published in USA - 'Atsatrohn' 1993

When ATSATROHN requested commentary from someone called DFL in England, I wondered if they meant me. There was my address on the tear-open airmail letter, OK. But is DFL me or someone masquerading as me, or vice versa? Whichever the case, the thought is more horrifying than anything I can invent - which brings me to the place I give my days to, a waystation of time to wrap my space in, called Great Britain. This is the only place with which I am familiar (other than a couple of trips to France in 1967 and 1988 ). Stitched with headtotail motorways, the delightful patchwork quilt of Old England can thankfully still be vaguely discerned shimmering beyond the gloomy flesh-corrupted gossamers of recession. In the job, from which I was made redundant on 30 November 1992, I was able to regularly travel the length and breadth of England in my trusty white Vauxhall Cavalier - arriving early on purpose so I could write my next story in another assignable ambiance before attending the sales meeting or whatever. I don't know what days fill in the USA - the only fact I think I really know is that it's a bigger place for space than here. But how much bigger? Well, perhaps we're the moon to your earth. Come in earth. Have you invented immortality yet? Are all your presidents ex-Hollywood stars with stripes of anti-entropy running through them? Indeed, no joke, Britain's a place where people die. But, at least, that'll help with the dilution of Thatcher's legacy. I suppose humanity (individuals as well as its collective conscious) is basically selfish. And American politics does not escape such accusation, as viewed from here. John Major is Bill Clinton's shadow. But, as shown in The Charwoman's Shadow by Lord Dunsany (an excellent fantasy novel), shadows can cast people. Have you heard of Di, Charles, Fergie &c? Well, they're dying, too. Despite the rumors, the British royals have no more immortality than anybody else here. Even DFL. Don't believe what's said about the royals - if only because the act of belief takes time and space. Why waste time? Why waste space? My mentioning people by name evokes the fear that this column may be past its spontaneous combustion date by the time you burn your eyes reading it. John Major may not even be our Prime Minister by tomorrow. You live a day a day to put life in. Meanwhile the Atlantic weir flows both ways. Till the next time. Plough the space.

Posted by weirdtongue at 5:58 AM EDT
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Sunday, 11 May 2008
HER WORDS, NOT MINE
A collaboration with Allen Ashley



She kept me waiting only because winter daylight was so short. Her words, not mine.

She did apologise between her gritted teeth, and I was gentleman enough to accept her apology. However, I remained irritated, especially when she said that darkness gave her the willies. Again, not my words.

At the time, the shaky logic of her position escaped me. In fact, given her excuse, she should have been early, not late. In any event, we proceeded with the business of our appointment without further ado. She was not a lady with which to be messed. And I don’t mind saying that.

"I am interested in party-giving. There is a lot of mileage in parties especially during economic recessions."

I nodded, still bemused by her turns of phrase. What was more, her manner left a lot to be desired, bearing in mind that her aim was to sell an idea to me. I was representing a Venture Capital investment outfit, one to which small businesses appealed for funds when the more customary sources of finance had not proved viable. It was my job to identify worthwhile, if superficially precarious, businesses and, then, take back the necessary information to my Board for a decision. People who invested in Venture Capital wanted the best of both worlds—security and above average returns. A hard act to perform. And the Board would need every i crossed. The lady I discovered was indeed into parties. Running shindigs. Planning gigs. Providing the disco and the balloons and the Dracula masks and the strippergrams and so forth. Angela and Co., her firm was called.

"Have you brought details of your track record?"

Ignoring this question, she averted her face for a moment and, upon turning back towards me, she had apparently plugged into her mouth two gruesome vampire fangs.

I was flabbergasted. So much so, I lost all concern for syntax and style.

Hey, parties were essentially concerned with the art of frivolity. But here we were meant to be having a hard-nosed business meeting, with tough bargains to be forced. Instead of which, she was acting the goat. I couldn't believe it. How could I tell my board that it was a promising concern, simply on the evidence of her fancy dress? Most of the Directors, I knew, would stand no stuff and nonsense.

My thoughts were even more flabbergasted than the thinker of such thoughts.

Indeed, I tried to put myself in Declan Denton's shoes, particularly, when interviewing a Venture Capital prospect, because, after all, Declan was the chairman of my Board. And at that precise moment, Declan's shoes were pacing up and down in a disused and rather stinky shop-doorway.

The half-warm early streetlight cast little illumination upon his workaday clothes and scurrilously ordinary face. By contrast, he had a good view of what was once the spanking-bright offices of Shark, Lizard and Lizard, Loan Arrangers. How much longer would Angela be? If the building, as it seemed, had been decked to mimic a hotel, would Angela come out dressed like a chambermaid, with a crocodile of disturbed sleepers in tow? His thoughts, not mine.

He stubbed out his cigarette before he got down to the worm in the filter, kicked the butt out into the rain-swept road. There were so many things to worry about lately. Shoe polish in chocolate, weevils in the tap water and the Old Bill trashing all the West Side dens. On top of which the weather had gone completely haywire and Angela had been noticeably frosty whenever he dared lay a hand on her shoulder or display a set of yellowed teeth in her direction.

From about a mile away he heard the klaxon calling cockneys to the comparative safety of the dome of St Pauls and the upper floors of Centrepoint. The Thames had burst its banks again and already the street was an inch deep in flood tide. Angela had better hurry. She didn't like crossing water at the best of times. Denton reached for another cigarette but this time the worm had awoken from its pupa stage and chewed through the paper and impure tobacco. Denton tossed it carelessly into the street stream.

Through the drizzle he saw the 'hotel' door open and a darkly-clad figure emerge. It had better be Angela, he muttered as he stepped out into the rain. Forgetting to look both ways, he was several steps into the road when he heard a whoosing noise approaching from the right like a runaway steam engine.

With jaws. Like doors. Swing ones.

I sauntered self-consciously through those swing doors to escape from the hotel lobby. The cocktail I had shared with the lady from Angela & Co. had gone to my head. Declan Denton may have been my boss, but he had no right to use my own thoughts against me. I snatched the half-smoked cigarette from where I had it poked behind my ear and tried to light it in the newly sprung rainstorm. The darkness was thus touchable like ink. I moved into the temporary shelter of another doorway which, I hoped, did not interconnect with the hotel. The lady wouldn't follow me into a night as dirty as this one, especially in view of her phobia about the comparative lengths of black and white. Out here, it was not only monochrome, you couldn't even get a signal at all. Yet I managed to tune into Denton's footsteps again. I wasn't very far behind—I could even see vague imprints on the shiny pavement.

"Have you brought details of your track record?"

I repeated over and over again the question that had stirred up more ancient fears in my mind than if I'd been a young maiden tied to sleepers and a whole trainload of weird monsters on a night-trip to Clacton-on-Sea coming at her.

I now stumbled through Limehouse, hoping for a station with some semblance to one called Shadwell. I wanted back to basics. Then, belatedly, I saw I, too, was leaving glosspacks behind me, with groove-patterns off my shoe-bottoms. And other patterns—thought-patterns—were off away on their own version of soul-searching...

This was Declan Denton's theory: stuff Venture Capital for a while, he wouldn't go short of a few bob with his dosh. He had to solve his identity crisis by going back to his East End roots. Seek out the ghosts of Michael Caine and Bob Hoskins. But things had broken down so much recently that all manner of crap had come out of Pandora's Box with the collapse of the Sterling currency and now seemed to have seeped back into my own corner of the universe.

There was a crowd of youths one window up from the video store. They seemed unbothered by the rain. Probably lager louts. But such bigotry was bad for business. He glanced at the new releases. Certificate 18 was a short short called "Angel or Demon". He liked gripping plots and happy endings. This one promised gripping thighs and a snappy ending.

There were two Shadwell stations, steps apart. One was the barely populated East London Lines, sort of sub-underground. Up on the bridge was the Docklands Light Railway, hand-driven by computers and as reliable as Arfur Daley's motors. The train was red, white and blue—all the colours you'd expect it to be. Denton sat next to a balding business-man sporting a walkman. There was so much leakage he could hear every whoop and scream of "O Bondage, Up Yours" by X Ray Spex. He moved to the other end of the carriage, waving his travelcard at the train captain. The system stalled just outside Cyclops Wharf. Apparently there was a young maiden tied to the tracks up ahead. Denton joined the other passengers peering through the front window but all he could see was building sites ... and tracks.

Track Records. That had been The Who's label. But they weren't East End lads, were they?

Eventually the doors swished open. It was like exiting a lift into a hotel lobby. Too late he saw two shapes in Halloween costumes with the vamp fangs and stuff. Always touching him for money, rain or shine. An Ark would be more useful than cash if the Thames burst its banks any wider.

Oops, they'd spotted him—but luckily the rain had turned heavier and icier and he was able to dodge behind a low-flying skyful of it. Indeed, each dotted slat of sleet stretched right back to God's tilted palm ... and then he thought: "Angela and Denton" must have been the title. A miscegenation of word and meaning. Also, why on earth was he being pursued by black and white holograms—and strippergrams, horrorgrams, X-ograms, all dressed up as real people?

I was one of those so-called people. After trekking for what seemed hours, I had Denton in my sights. Angela's trial sample of the type of virtual reality she marketed was certainly proving more than a mere nightmare to pass the dark time. She was sure proving that my company's investment in Angela & Co., were it made, would be more than mere zootropes: in fact, a lot more than feeding lizards or tugging mindless crocodiles through bouts of sleeping. I only needed to convince Denton. But who had heard of Board Meetings outside of Whitechapel? What was more, there was something tangibly evil in the air around Canary Wharf? Pixels of snow across the eyescreen. Blotting out Deptford, let alone New Cross. Still, think global! Seize the night! Denton stood alone, with a face like Roger Daltrey's (Who?), a face he had often sported during our company's Quality Control sessions. All I had to do was detrack my Angela body and lay its mind on him thick...

I was nearly home. I had lost Declan Denton in the murk. He was welcome to it. Along with his anti-smoking fags and his one-eyed monster in the tower, I just hoped someone would release the woman tied to the railway line so that my plan B escape route was clear.

I paused on the parapet, feeling the usual disorientation after a VR trip. The venue had been called Angela Arcades, the machine "One Track Mind". I spent half my waking hours there these days. Prosaic thought; the old story cliche went: "He woke up and yes it had all been a dream." Modern version: "It had all been a virtual reality experience." Denton would call that progress!

The waters already licked at the top of the wall, running over the chalked graffiti, "The Willies rule, so don't mess boys!" I had my boat ready, intending to take the Regents Canal through Tower Hamlets, Hackney and Camden Lock right up to the zoo. Two by two I'd save only those animals who had something to contribute to society. Locks of any description would not hinder my crest of the wave progress.

"Hello, dear, had a nice day at the office?"

Already in mode as a new neanderthal, I merely grunted in reply to my wife. I was just a tad nervous about explaining to her that I was ditching her into the ditch water, leaving her behind because I was in love with a construct.

She dished up a chiaroscuro tea. The darkness was the brown sauce and the burnt bacon; the light was an anemic egg and over-cooked mashed potatos. She'd made sure these last were not only dead but eradicated from history. Eradication awaited her, too. And awaited that serpent demon Denton. I pushed the plate away. I'd kill something later on the Ark.

I thought to myself: say nothing. Keep mum. No, forget mum, I didn't want any Freudian stuff in my new Eden. I would set my alarm for 2.31 am, high tide. Just scarper. Blimey, words escape me!

The flood waters were already seeping under the kitchen door. Most of London would be adrift by midday. I ignored the outdated goggle box pulsating steadily in the dampest corner of the living room.

I went fully dressed to bed, flabbergasted fangs and all. “London, after all, is the greatest Venture Capital in the world”, were the words I dozed-off with.

Yet no Hackneyed ending, this. Not a dream, not alien impregnation of his mental processes, not even a virtual reality device, but something far more astounding had invaded his mind: His own thoughts.


Posted by weirdtongue at 5:58 AM EDT
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A SECRET ANCESTRY...
A collaboration with Gordon Lewis.



The town was silent as night slid across the sky like a stormcloud. Inside the houses, thousands — no — millions watched flickering T.V screens where an important football match played out its drama.

Sandy smirked at the other two people in the room — knowing that the way things were going in the dying minutes of a vital match he would win a whole pile of money from his two friends and a betting shop — if the football score stayed as it was.

Suddenly, an equalizer was unexpectedly poked in by a rather lugubrious forward — and the watching world was faced with a ‘golden-goal’ situation, or at worst, an unsatisfactory penalty shoot out to end a very important match.

Sandy’s glee was expunged and, disgusted; he abruptly slammed out of the house to wander into the back garden despite the onset of a dampening drizzle. More a dribble he thought ruefully. In the old days footballers used to dribble the ball didn’t they? Cleverly foot-juggling with the ball from boot to boot as they weaved round the players towards the opponent’s goalmouth.

It was then he saw it, a huge black swathe swoop across the sky (darker even than the brooding rain clouds) with lights spraying like sparks in its wake. As this huge black shape approached above the area he was standing, Sandy stood transfixed as the ‘thing’ stopped directly above his head, hovering like a low black cloud with just a beam of light emanating from it.

Having always been sceptical about unidentified flying objects, he had, in an off-hand manner, read reports on UFO spotting, ending with a shrug of disbelief, especially when some people claimed they had been ‘beamed-up’ to be examined and interrogated by alien beings.

Shaking himself out of his stupor he found the propulsion to turn and run back into the house, not trusting to providence, for he knew he had seen something odd. Still trembling from his experience he burst into the TV lounge to be greeted by his two friends, Stuart and John. Still breathless, and before he had gathered his wits to blurt out his story, Stuart was the first to speak.

“Where did you fly off to? You should have waited to see the kerfuffle over that last goal. One of the linesmen claimed there had been an infringement, a handled ball. After quite a long con-flab with the Ref and the protesting players, the goal was disallowed. The whistle for full-time came soon after, so the match ended up with a score of 2-1, just as you predicted. You’ll pick up a tidy old sum from the betting shop tomorrow, you lucky dog, you’ll not bother with the couple of quid off us... will you?”

Still breathless, Sandy managed to speak at last...

“Forget the bloody football for a minute, come outside quick, there is something very odd in the sky above the house. A huge black shaped thing, too triangular, too uniform in shape to be a cloud... Come hurry up, it may be still out there...”

“You’re having us on”, John was quick to reply, “you never believed in there being anything like extra-terrestial beings.”

“I tell you there was something and I want you to take a look, maybe it’s some kind of plane like the stealth bomber… it could be some natural phenomena, but I want you to at least come and have a look...”

As they went into the garden, they all saw something, but as they went further into the garden they were met by an invisible obstruction, something intangible… like a glass wall, with no glass, just an impenetrable barrier.

An ‘impenetrable barrier’, so called, was what Sandy’s wife erected when he had his pals around for drinks or a game of cards. Except, tonight, it had been football on the telly... along with millions of others. Even folk with a tepid interest had their heads turned by the World Cup...

Stuart’s earlier speech about ‘kerfuffles’ and ‘protesting players’ now seemed to Sandy as if it were UNREAL. The very words had sounded learnt parrot-fashion. Sandy’s own words, including “forget the bloody football” didn’t sound characteristic. He’d normally have replaced the ‘bloody’ with a much stronger word. He felt himself ‘dumbed down’, as modern parlance had it. He couldn’t fathom things.

And when the three men returned to the house — having given up the ‘impenetrable barrier’ for what it was (imagination? a psychic condition thrown over the country by some petty dictator? or, indeed, a real barrier of paranormal dimensions?) — there stood Sandy’s wife. She had hefted the last six-pack from the fridge for Sandy, Stuart and John into the television-room for the after-match chat by pundits. She was a good old sort, really. Her bark was often worse than her bite.

“Thanks, dear,” said Sandy, as he relieved her of the cans.

“What was the score?” she meekly asked, pretending to show a little interest.

Sandy shrugged. He felt decidedly ill at ease. His wife’s personality, too, was somewhat out of kilter. Nobody, tonight, was truly themselves.

The whole ambience seemed so sexist, so type-cast. In many households, it was the women who often shouted and cursed at the football, eager to let their feelings rip with cheers or jeers. The women, indeed, demonstrated a certain uncouth bravado when cat-calling the imputed prowess of the studs who kicked a leather bladder, performing their rivalries as if the world depended on it.

Sandy could hear rain belting down on the roof — and he imagined a decade’s drought had abruptly decided it was time to slake the dry earth. He cracked open his very last can of fizzy amber and prepared to watch the News.

With John and Stuart’s help to see off the lager which his wife Margaret had served up, the can in Sandy’s hand was one of his ‘specials’ he always kept tucked away in the corner of the fridge for such an occasion as this. Left alone, his mates departed... and Margaret in bed upstairs, probably propped up, reading a few pages before turning out the light. He knew she would be appear to be asleep — even if awake — when he finally decided to call it a day. It was an unwritten law… there would be nothing going on after Sandy had a session with his mates and a lot more than one six-pack of cans of lager.

The sound of ‘Big-Ben’ faded away and the newscaster began with the main headlines of the day.

Though there had been an earthquake of devastating proportion in Eastern Europe, floods in Pakistan... thousands of people in jeopardy, some starving to death in Africa, the first item was the dramatic end to the semi-final of the World Cup! Sandy wasn’t paying a lot of attention, it was just his ritual to listen to the late news just in case something cataclysmic had happened… or was about to happen; he wanted to be one of the first to know.

The events of the evening with his closest of friends and the excitement of the football combined with the lateness of the hour were having an effect on Sandy. His eyes were getting heavy and there was the likelihood of yet another night’s sleep on the settee with the T.V. continuing to play to no one in the Jackson household, but it wasn’t to be.

Sandy Jackson was suddenly wide awake, roused from his stupor by piercing screams from upstairs. Desperate, hysterical screams that went on and on. Screams he never expected to hear from his usually calm, stoical wife Margaret. Screaming shrieks sounding nothing like the woman he had been married to for almost twenty years.

Galvanised into sudden action, Sandy lurched off the settee to hurry up the stairs. What on earth could have been so fearful to make his wife shriek so loud? Bursting into their bedroom he was shocked to find Margaret crouched in a corner of the room, babbling like someone completely ‘off her trolley’...

Disjointed words, bits and pieces he picked out of her incoherent outpourings were not making any sense. There seemed to be nothing untoward about the room, except that the bed was in a muddle...

As he hurried to comfort his wife, Sandy picked out one or two words Margaret was repeating...

“They were there, on the bed… they were there… horrible...”

Out of kilter she may have been earlier — but this was something else. He had never seen his wife’s face so distorted, she was almost unrecognisable. Even the anguish on her face after she reacted so strongly to the shattering loss of twin babies whom she had carried within her for almost a full term pregnancy, to sadly lose them after a fall downstairs... According to the prognosis, she would never be able to have children. As the years passed, so did the pain and anguish of losing the little boy and girl, children who would now be in their seventeenth year. Of course neither Sandy or Margaret would forget those desperate times… but surely she hadn’t flipped over what happened so long ago. There was nothing to indicate why Margaret was now a crumpled heap of humanity, saying the weirdest things. She could have had some form of nightmare — but still she kept ranting on in a language he had never heard before, knew for certain she was incapable of speaking. Still lapsing into recognisable English words, laced with unprintable swear words the like of which Sandy had not heard in the army or his workplace.

“They were there… them things... Horrible, horrible...”

As Sandy bent to comfort his wife, she looked up with loathing, seeming not to know him, and, as he attempted to pick her up, she became violent, fighting off her husband with tooth and nail, as if he was one of them... One of the things she had seen… or thought she had seen… was still seeing...?

“They were there, on the bed...” she repeated.

And, then, Sandy saw them for himself — or imagined he did.

Two small shapes stretched — as if with chewing-gum for skin — from the tangled bed-cover… fingers splitting into existence as they pointed at the ceiling.

Sandy reached out and actually thought he touched one of them — before both shapes vanished.

He felt some of his fingers with his other fingers to find them feeling distinctly sticky.

He turned to Margaret.

“Sssh! she hissed, putting her finger to her pursed lips. She seemed calmer — as if the storm had passed.

“Why were you swearing?”

“I don’t know Sandy. I really don’t” After a pause, she continued:

“Did John and Stuart enjoy the match?”

“I think so, though I expect they would have wished the last goal had been a good ‘un. They hate losing a bet — especially when they have to pay up to me - I seem to be always on a winner, according to those two scallywags.”

Suddenly, Sandy felt decidedly under-the-weather. That last can of very strong lager could have been that one-over-the-eight. As he turned to the window he saw a series of bright lights that reminded him of that thing in the sky, trailing sparks like a gigantic firework.

“Imagination can play some funny tricks.”

Which of them — Margaret or Sandy — said this, neither of them would later remember. It had definitely been imagination after all — that was certain.

When Sandy went to work next day at the local factory, the shop floor was throbbing with post-match expertise. Everybody had their own theory on the game… especially John and Stuart who worked in the same section as Sandy — until one of them said, out of the blue, something at which a few of the other men pricked up their ears:

“The sight of that thing in your garden. Spooky, wasn’t it?”

Sandy shrugged. He didn’t want to be reminded of it. He merely said:

“Margaret was a bit off colour last night” — as if that could explain everything. Could someone’s physical condition affect Nature itself, just as Nature could affect that same someone? Was illness a two-way phenomenon? Sandy almost believed that his wife’s attack was a cause of an insidious glitch in the world’s clockwork. Or, more likely, had a shadow passed over the land, causing people to feel ill, Margaret’s strange behaviour being one such reflection, an effect not a cause?

There was no time to ponder further. Men of their ilk were not accustomed to deep thoughts — and midday dinner in the works canteen found them sitting side by side, tussling with small talk rather than any significant debates. Funny — men like Sandy, John and Stuart rarely sat opposite each other, face to face. They simply turned to their neighbour wherever (or if ever) they had anything to blurt out; an intermittent exchange, a fitful sadness at their apparent inability to maintain a smooth communication.



Margaret had recovered from the previous night. In fact, she recalled literally nothing of the events at all. Football was o.k. She preferred the proliferation of the soaps herself...

She picked up the phone, having a strong desire to have a prolonged chat with her life-long friend Jenny Richardson. Usually they took turns at the week-end cheap rate ‘friends’ option. But Sandy was usually around — fiddling and fussing — a proper fiddle-faddle was he, interrupting the phone link between his wife and the friend she could bare her soul to — without fear of anyone else finding out their innermost secrets.

Margaret had not even depressed the numbers that would link her to Jenny some miles away in the Midland’s town of Long Eaton, when a strange feeling overwhelmed her, a feeling that she was a very young woman again. She imagined she was a version of her own mother... In fact the older members of her family often remarked about the remarkable likeness between her and her mother. Especially Great Aunt Maude — who had stupidly said if Margaret and her Mother had been born at the same time they would be identical twins. How she possibly could have imagined such an occurence was beyond Margaret... Ah well, the old girl was in her dotage; Margaret would listen to her Auntie Maude with great patience, keeping on the right side of the octogenarian maiden lady was important, for she was an eccentric, would change her will without hesitation if ever she was slighted in any way. There was a number of antiques in Aunt Maude’s cottage Margaret coveted — not in a mercenary way — but intrinsic objects of beauty she would never consider turning into money.

Margaret’s reverie, if such it was, was interrupted by a voice from the phone ear-piece... a crisp clear voice said “Number please...?”

Number please? Was this some new thing, reverting back to pre-dialling times, some girnmicky nonsense of the telephone company.

Number PLEASE? said the voice again.

Margaret blurted out the ten digits of Jenny’s number, to be interrupted by the now irate operator

“Are you calling the Man-in-the-Moon, Madam? Kindly give me the number you need or replace your ear-piece.”

‘Replace your ear-piece’ sounded most odd, until Margaret caught a glimpse of herself in her Cheval-mirror, a proud possession left her by her great-grandmother. Her mirrored image was holding an old-fashioned phone, ear-piece in one hand and an upright mouthpiece thing in the other; what is more she thought she was looking at her own mother in a floral old fashioned frock which Margaret wouldn’t be seen dead in.

So shocked was she, she fell back on the settee in a crumbled heap again, mouthing obscenities and the strange language of the day before… then she lost consciousness… a complete black-out.



“If you can hear me Margaret, squeeze my hand.” A sentence repeated over and over again by a motor-cycling paramedic — evidently called to Margaret’s side by the friendly next-door neighbour, one who normally called in to see Margaret around morning coffee-time.

Eventually Margaret responded, despite still representing a case for the casualty department of the local hospital. She regained consciousness — still ranting and raving, becoming violent, to the dismay of Margaret’s neighbour and the mobile paramedic. Restraining the termagant Margaret was difficult but the ‘Medic’ managed to use his mobile phone — calling urgently for the assistance of an ambulance crew.

Margaret tried to establish her mind’s equilibrium. What the Hell is that small contraption the strangely uniformed man is pressing to his ear and talking into? No wires. Too small to be a walkie-talkie. Then, as full equilibrium kicked in, she concertinaed back — or was it forward? — into a more acceptable belief-system, where modernity seemed as natural as the breaths she could now take calmly without feeling as if she was on the brink of hyperventilating.

The ambulance dashed through the busy streets, sirens blaring towards the local casualty department of the hospital. Later, she felt a bit of a fraud, feeling almost back to normal — but by what measure could ‘normal’ be judged? Memory was the only determinant. She went through the hospital ritual programme… until she was released.

Sandy drove her back home in his old jalopy, hearing all these things...gathering information from between the incessant chatter she kept up. The story was still unfolding, in words neither of them could control, or even, understand.

Stuart and John were at their house as a welcoming party — to see what was so urgent about Sandy’s sudden summoning to the hospital from their place of work. Despite their tacitness and diffidence, they were both showing a determined concern for their pal’s wife, as they bustled around with cups of tea and words of comfort.

Incredibly, soon after John and Stuart had left beneath the gathering grumble of another storm, the doorbell rang and there stood Jenny Richardson — freshly travelled from her Long Eaton home. Apparently, her phone had rung — and then cut out before she was able to reach it. Ringing 1471, she discovered the call had come from Margaret’s number. She became concerned that there was no answer when she tried to ring back — kept getting the engaged noise, and sensing, via feminine intuition, something was wrong, she had taken the first available train south, telling her husband not to worry. She’d kill two birds with one stone. She’d ring her doctor in Harley Street (just up the tube line from Margaret and Sandy’s) the next day and insist on an appointment for herself. She’d been meaning to consult her doctor for some weeks, but not got around to it. Fate now pointed to the fact that it was important to do so.

“Hope everything is OK with both you and Margaret”, called out Mark Richardson as he watched Jenny leave the front hall to take a taxi to the local station. He could not see the driver as Jenny waved goodbye. Something in her sensed she would never see Mark again, but she put it out of her mind, even before she proceeded with the silly thought.

‘I put it out of my mind ,‘ Jenny thought as she stared into the distance and dwelled on the events of the day. She and Sandy had managed to get Margaret settled in her bed — forced her, in fact. To Jenny, Margaret appeared to be the same... yet different in some way.

Sandy flaked out next to Jenny on the settee. Too close for comfort.

“Want to watch the World Cup match?” he asked, not waiting for an answer before flicking on the telly with the tiny remote control.

Jenny nodded non-commitally. “I think I’ll go up and tuck Margaret in for the night,” she said, quickly standing up.

Don’t bother. She’s sound asleep, I peeped in on her a few minutes ago.

Reluctantly, Jenny lowered herself back on to the settee, subtly. increasing more elbow room between her and Sandy. She’d always considered Sandy to be a surly creature. Didn’t understand how a beautiful Margaret could possibly have married someone so decidedly fiddly and low-key, as she glanced at the man’s huge hands and hairy arms. Almost uncouth in her eyes.

There were goals in the match — but only one wonderfully exciting goal the ball shooting into the back of the net from a great distance and at the acutest of angles — as thunder rumbled growlingly above the house.

But Sandy had no one with whom to share the excitement of the outstanding goal that surely would be nominated as the goal of the tournament. Even his whoop of delight failed to waken the sleeping Jenny. Obviously bored out of her skull by the whole silly proceedings of World Cup Football. What a fuss about twenty men chasing a ball between two goalmouths, as exciting as watching paint dry, she thought. The finer points of the game were lost to her. Jenny and her husband were not of the plebian masses. Her friendship with Margaret went back a long way; the only reason she had condescended to be sitting on a settee next to Sandy the husband of the only friend she had from the old days. Her only friend outside of the Hunting, Golfing and Shooting fraternity to which she had elevated when she married wealthy Mark Richardson. Keeping friends with Margaret was only important because the two women shared a dark secret they had sworn on a bible never to divulge. A secret from their early teenage that would rock, or even wreck both their lifestyles, different though they were — and it would be Jenny that would suffer the most.

Sandy became aware that Jenny had fallen asleep, to dream of things other than football. He studied the sleeping Jenny’s profile and his eyes wandered down her body to the shapely silk clad legs and back again to her chest, to watch the shape of her breasts rise and fall as she slumbered on. She had obviously fitted well into the cream of society for her clothes and make up (from her elegantly coiffured hair to her stylish shoes) simply oozed wealth and good taste. As well as the pang of jealousy of the man she married, Sandy felt a stirring in his loins at the sight of a truly beautiful woman.

He had his fill of the usual strong lager, but in spite of his desire, he turned again to watch the football that still had twenty minutes to the final whistle. But the excitement had gone, the winning team was obvious, having three clear goals in front of their rivals. The result was a foregone conclusion and the winning team was just pussy-footing along with trick football, boring long passes and time wasting moves. The lager and boredom, had their effect on Sandy, and he too had dropped of to sleep.

Jenny slumped sideways and her head came to rest on Sandy’s shoulder.

He was unconscious in his alcohol induced sleep. The lighter sleeping Jenny became aware of the snorting, snoring drunk at her side and her eyes opened to see Margaret silhouetted against the light from the flickering TV screen, Garishly made up with lipstick, mascara and rouge — without a stitch of clothing on — but it was not her nakedness that her mesmerised eyes were fixed on — but the cleaver she held above her head with light glinting on the steel blade...



The next day — the vision forgotten — Jenny Richardson paid the visit to her posh doctors. There — amid much prevarication — they informed her that she needed to go under a real knife. Gallstones, Kidney stones. A leathery bladder… something worse… killed by two birds...

She shrugged. Whatever the nature of the illness, she simply knew that she would only be cured, if at all, by the skin of her teeth. Margaret’s sub-conscious beckoning from London to Long Eaton had a lot for which to be thanked.

She and Margaret somehow shared somebody in the past called Auntie Maude — a secret antecedence that neither had confessed to the other. A common shadow cast by ancestry. An indefinable celebration.

Meanwhile, Sandy and Mark (their two husbands) remained the mere men they had always been. They could be left to their own shallow devices — them and their beer and their petty thrusting ways. Women had a deeper instinct — like a bruised sky-wide shade that came and went with the rhythm of global warming — came and went in tune with even darker, direr archetypes... sipping from the cup of plenty, the world’s cup of eventual goodness...



John and Stuart sat side by side in the works canteen. Silent. Where was Sandy? But they did not think to ask the question.







The End.



Posted by weirdtongue at 5:52 AM EDT
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Friday, 9 May 2008
Thoughts & Ribaldries
Published 'Fresh Blood' 1994


“It’s the thought that counts,” said Densil.

“Well, I thought of giving lots and lots of lovely presents but decided against it,” countered Basil, whose sense of humor was lost on Densil. The pair of them traveled together towards Elfclaw House for Christmas, where, apparently, Lord Elfclaw had arranged all kinds of Dickensian activities - including an artificially frozen lake for ice skating.

The tall chimneys rose like the Devil’s fingers pressed into an iron sky, as the car gasped its last exhaustfuls along the winding drive. They were heartily welcomed by Lord Elfclaw who was disguised as Santa Claus. The three Elfclaw daughters were particularly becoming as reindeers with mock antlers and shaplely bodies, tantilizingly decked with incomplete animal skins.

“I’m glad you could come. Let Donna see you to your rooms. And as soon as you’ve washed the road off, come and have a heart-easing scoop of punch in the lounge.” Lord Elfclaw sounded as if he were reciting a speech learned when he didn’t understand it.

Densil and Basil were soon ready but not before arguing the toss about who had priority in the shared bathroom. Densil ridiculed the fact that Basil’s room was chock-a-block with variously sized boxes neatly wrapped in a pink silky paper bearing a holly and robin motif. Basil must have sent them on earlier, with the intention of piling them under the Christmas tree for the other guests to “Ooh and aah” at. Basil countered by saying they were simply full of scrunched-up tracing paper. This was the best ploy since he knew Densil would not believe him if he claimed they were not his parcels at all.

Having returned downstairs, they discovered the lounge tenantless except for an angry coal fire sputtering in the huge hearth. The punch bowl stood on the sideboard with contents looking like lumps of fruit-peel in blood slopping from side to side - as if a servant had just placed it there and vanished (up the stairs).

Suddenly, there was the zithery sound of girlish laughter from the garden outside. The window was blocked by a large shaggy Christmas tree, as yet undecorated, so Densil and Basil looked at each other bewildred. And were they meant to help themselves to the punch?

Thinking that their host was more hospitable than most, they shoveled the punch into two of the glasses that hung on hooks around the bowl. They gulped it, whilst they tried to gain a better view through the window upon the back lake. There was a sleigh being drawn across it - a red figure waving and at least twenty tall reindeer lifting their legs high. The sleigh’s boot was overspilling with pink parcels. Whether it was the effect of the punch conjuring up solid burps like bodily innards, Densil and Basil no longer had a Christmas spirit, where thoughts no longer counted. Days were short around the winter solstice, and all went black like dead ice that cannot melt.

It is a pity dead bodies cannot really enjoy being undressed by others, as live ones do. That is perhaps a godsend, however, since they would not particularly relish being roasted afterwards.

Vampires’ testicles are a delicacy as are rare armfuls of stolen blood. Densil and Basil were the next best thing. Lord Elfclaw who was not quite the calibre of host they had originally thought (which proved something), raised his glass of punch, now so red it had become blacker than the Devil’s version of Christmas Eve. Surly servants dragged in the feather-light parcels and the giggling reindeer curled together before the roaring fire, playing brittle games of cats-cradle and pick-a-stix, amid the cozy yuletide cheer and fellow feeling. Tomorrow being Christmas Day, they could be opened.

Posted by weirdtongue at 4:52 AM EDT
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The Wedge Question
First published '9th Issue' 1991

The couple were crouched around the roaring coals, counting the sparks that marched up the black chimney bust. The room, other than their faces, was in shadowy darkness.

"Have you noticed?"

"Noticed what?"

The two questions were images of each other in a buckled funfair mirror. The voices were of similar pitches, but their faces were from opposite ends of the sexual spectrum.

"...that most things you decide in life are trivial, but now and again something comes along that is all important."

"Yes, but you don't realise at the time which are trivial, which not."

"...unlike the wedge question."

One of the faces withdrew into the gloom while it pondered the imponderable.

It soon returned to the flame's blessing with a rejoinder:"When I was a kid, my father used to make me cottonreel tanks, with a rubber band, a matchstick and a wedge of candle. I thought that was all important then - but now I've almost forgotten him, let alone the tanks. They used to climb over things, because he carved treads into the reel rims. The candlegrease lubricated the torque of the rubber band upon the match traction. I don't suppose you played with them when you were a little girl?"

"No, I had too many dolls, to keep me busy. They cluttered up the bedroom, sitting around in their finery as if they owned the place. At night, their eyes opened and shut without me lifting them up at the optimum angle. One of them had dewy tears upon her petal cheeks come the light early summer mornings. Another doll was actually bigger than me..."

She broke off, having realised she was intoning an unlearnt speech which had once been prepared for an audience. Knowing no more, she retracted her head like a tortoise.

The man groaned from his chair by the fire, so as to take a poker to the coals. He churned them up as a way of avoiding an embarrassing silence.

As dawn broke, they decided independently to go for a walk along the sea wall. So, with a mixture of indifference and pleasure, they found themselves both strolling in the same direction, carried by salt wafts towards the bereft creeks - hardened mounds of belched quicksand beneath the mutant umbrella claws of the scrawny gulls. In the distance, the Essex marshes oscillated in the uncanny light of the reflected horizons - giving hope, if not ultimate belief, to the Flat-Earthers they were.

She had never thought of the planet as more than a clump of dried mud snapped off from the tussocky heel of reality. Whilst he, the man, had never been beyond these sodden parts and expected the ruptured lands to stretch forever...

It was more difficult to believe in endings.

The blackened curds of smoke billowed from the chimney fire into the matchless leaden grey of the sky. They had turned their backs on the diminishing doll's house.

A tractor crawled along the horizon, its sole sloping pinion guided by the straight furrows but spasmodically turning full circle as its trencher wheels slew sideways in the loose mud.

Hand in hand, the couple disappeared into the far distance.

Posted by weirdtongue at 4:51 AM EDT
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