WRITE A SHORT ARTICLE ABOUT THE PLEASURE OF DRINKING
By DF Lewis
When I was commissioned to write a popular article – and I’ll leave revealing the identity of the patron who thus commissioned me until the end – I wondered how I could sufficiently overcome my predisposition to wield long words and convoluted phrasing so that, in the end, the article would indeed be a snappy treatment upon the simple pleasures of drinking.
Let me say, then, that drinking actually gives me no pleasure at all. The process indeed leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. OK, I recognise the physical necessity for people to drink. I hope you drink to live, though. Not to live to drink.
Caffeinated, decaffeinated, fizzy, intoxicating, creamy, malty, icy cool, piping hot, even with a spiky umbrella stuck in it and all manner of colourful toppings of fruit and flower … whatever the types of drink and methods of imbibing them, I remain sternly oblivious to their charms. On a hot, steamy day and I’d run a marathon beneath the red staring eye of the sky … even a frothing tankard of cold ale I cannot imagine scouring the froth and spume from the back of my throat nor penetrating my palate to the bone … yes, none of this can cut the mustard with me.
Well, then, to simply write of drinking’s pleasure is more difficult than just hitting the right tone. I need to empathise with those of you who do enjoy drinking. That wonderful nose, that bouquet, that aftertaste, that veritable explosion of flavours. Not to speak of the light-headed dreaminess of long summer afternoons with church bells ringing and the clonk of leather on willow. Hey, none of this touches my hot spot. None of it does it for me.
I’ll have to come clean, then. I’m writing this short article on a papyrus of dried leaves and the ink is now running out. Not much time to reach the promised conclusion before the nib scratches as dry as my heart. I must have written far too many long words. Soon, all I’ll have left is my blood.
Quickly … Dracula is my patron and my commission is death. Leaves a bad mouth in my taste…
